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We Are Where We Supposed to Be

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Happy new breath…

2-20-2003

» Reflections

K came visited as he told me last week. He showed up around 11 and left about 12:30. We met in East Block. I showed him my writs in the Supreme Court. He read through them and was impressed with the quality. After he looked over the 115 writ and the judge’s response, he thought that I should’ve started the rule violation issue without stating the retaliation. He felt the judge probably didn’t see the error. He suggested that I had the lawyer file an amended writ to focus on the 115 issue alone. I agreed with his logic. However, I didn’t want to do anything without talking to the lawyer. I asked him to arrange a meeting with the lawyer. He said he’ll do that. He gave me a draft of the statement of facts on the rescission writ. I don’t think he did much. He just wanted to show me something. He could’ve done better. He said he’ll have a better draft in two weeks. I hope so. I wrote to him and corrected some of the mistakes. He’ll need to get it done soon. We talked about my writs through the whole visit. He said he’ll email Sis about the doctor’s note on hardship.

The Sgt. Gave me a hard time about my notebook and pen holder. He’s a jerk. He commented, “is your attorney a cheapskate of what? No Hamburger, sodas?” He made me stripped.

D kept talking about going to war. He’s brainwashed.

I rested a little. Ma cooked lunch. I was full when dinner came. I received two legal mail; one stamped copy from Supreme Court, the other from Court of Appeals. I sent the Court of Appeals response to the lawyer.

Ma heard voices again. He was struggling for an hour. He didn’t want to call me because he thought he would bother me. I called him and he started sharing with me. He said he heard people telling him things and he responded and plead with them to leave him alone. He also heard cries good and bad things. He’s insecure and paranoid. He thought I want to get rid of him. He’s afraid that I would look down at him. He remembered most the things I told him. He kept thinking negatively. I had to talk to him for 2 hours before he clam down. I have to be careful what I say to him. He takes it to the extreme. He needs professional help, but they don’t provide help to him. He said when he asked questions and talked, the doctor only want to increase his dosage of medication. He needs one on one time with a consistent doctor daily or at less two times a week. I feel trapped by him because he expects me to be there anytime he calls me. I feel responsible to help him, but he’s too much for me. I don’t want to abandon him either. I need some tools to help him. I need psychology lessons.

May God help me to help him overcome his voices. Much strength to my friends M, R, and L.

2-19-2003

» Reflections

I feel much better today after the morning nap. I had a dream that Ma was in my cell. Then the officers asked him to go back to his cell because they’re passing out canteen. I saw a big box and other canteen item outside my door. There’re some Pringle chips. I woke up as the officer got closer to my cell. I didn’t get my canteen this month. C/O T showed me that I didn’t fill out my cell number on one side of the ducate. I forgot. I only need some writing paper and blank envelopes. Ma gave me some chips and crackers. T gave me two bags of nacho chips. I have soups, beans and other goodies. I’m cool for the month.

I made lunch and shared it with Ma. G came by. He asked about Mike. I didn’t say much. He said Fr. M is retiring on June 1^st. R is coming back to volunteer and Kairos was successful.

I shared my Spanish poem with C/O B. W told me he understands Spanish. He liked my poem. We talked about my chance of getting parole. He said I have no chance under Gray Davis because of the CCPOA. I showed him L’s situation. He doesn’t know everything. He passed out mail late. I got a Valentine’s Day card from M. It’s my only Valentine’s card so far. It made me happy she thought of me. I know I have a special spot in her heart. I wrote her a short letter to thank her. I got a tax paper from Ohio. It’s information dealing with IRS. I got the monthly Coastal Post.

I spent about 3 hours talking to Ma. He felt depressed and needed to talk to me. He hasn’t been able to talk to anyone about his true feelings. He opened up to me. I know he needs professional help. He needs a Chinese psychiatrist who can give him professional advices. I did the best I could to make him feel good about himself. His mental condition derived from abandonment, neglect, rejection, low self-esteem and being abused verbally all the time. He felt unwanted anywhere he goes. People in the prison have been mean to him and picked on him. He couldn’t get over that fear. He also hears voices from the guy he killed. The voice was pleading him to be compassionate to him. The voice also tells him to stand by the door. He always thinks other people are talking to him or about him. He felt someone’s looking at him. He wanted to make sure he’s not burdening me. I told him I’m here to help him. I took notes on his sharing with me. I was able to give him some advices to calm him down. He felt relief that he could talk to me and know what to do from now on. Garbage in, garbage out. I gave him the Buddhist posters. He’ll copy down the chants. I also gave him the Four Noble Truth and the Eight Fold Path. He’ll be all right if he can talk to a professional for a few months to work through his problems. It’s draining emotionally to listen to Ma because his experiences are so sad. It’s a test of patience for me. I felt obligated to help him. Also, I felt helpless. I hate it that CDC and the doctor would brush him off and only offer him heavier dosage of medication. May God look out after Ma. May he get well soon and be successful in turning his life around.

I got legal mail from the Ct of Appeal on the due process, mail and appeal writs. It has a good cause for review. I can’t get excited because so far, I have lost on everyone on the writ. If I get an OSC on it, that’s great. If not, we’ll take it to the next level.

2-18-2003

» Reflections

It’s a humble feeling to get sick because the body is so helpless. I have to wait for the flu to go away on its own. I felt terrible all day due to the lack of energy. I went to the yard. It was nice out. I talked to P for a while about eh injustice in Ad Seg. He told me the bribery tactic used by the C/O. If I have a recorder I can report some horror stories and the CDC’s abusive of authority and prisoners’ rights. I walked around with S for a while and talked about ecstasy drug and rave. He knows a lot about that.

I felt light headed and dizzy after I got back to the cell. I took a nap and waited for law library. I mailed some letters and a book home to Mom.

I went the library and did some copying and research. I’m ready to do the 1983 lawsuit. I talked to the lawyer. He got all the issues in court. He got the letter today. I wonder why it took so long to get to him. I don’t want to get paranoid about that.

I wrote to Mom and asked her to send J the book. I put a letter to J in it. I wrote to A and told him not to worry about the book I had requested. The lawyer said it’s not helpful. I wrote to C and thanked him for writing the letter to the psyche.

Ma got a translator today when Dr. M interviewed him. I hope it’ll be consistent. I asked C to come see me so I can talk to him about filing for 1983. I went through some vocabularies with Ma. He said, “So that’s how he got the translator.” I feel tired so I’m sleeping early. Things are getting better. Ma’s mind is very fragile. I have to be careful what to say to him. He has a tendency to get paranoid. I’ve been successful in helping him so far.

May God keeps looking out for me.

2-17-2003

» Reflections

I haven’t been sick like this in a long time. I went to sleep early last night. I took a Diphenhydramine for my sinus. However, my body experienced the chills and hot all night. I had dreams. My lower back’s hurting. I was tossing and turning. It was a rough night. I felt much better today.

I drank water and ate fruits. Ma’s insecurity and paranoia made him hear voices. He thinks people look down on him. He worries about what others thing of him. He has low self-esteem. He asked me if I thought he was a burden and look down on him. I had to reassure him that I’m here for him. I suggested that he do yoga and chant the mantra for of Goddess of Compassion. I know I can help him. I feel responsible and sympathetic to him.

I wrote a short letter to B. I wrote Anmol and gave him my thoughts on the function of the committee. He’ll like my inputs. I got some postage today. I talked to Ma for a while. He needs someone to talk to. I need to rest for another day before I can get better. Hopefully I’ll be well tomorrow. May the creator continued to bless me and my family.