I feel much better today after the morning nap. I had a dream that Ma was in my cell. Then the officers asked him to go back to his cell because they’re passing out canteen. I saw a big box and other canteen item outside my door. There’re some Pringle chips. I woke up as the officer got closer to my cell. I didn’t get my canteen this month. C/O T showed me that I didn’t fill out my cell number on one side of the ducate. I forgot. I only need some writing paper and blank envelopes. Ma gave me some chips and crackers. T gave me two bags of nacho chips. I have soups, beans and other goodies. I’m cool for the month.
I made lunch and shared it with Ma. G came by. He asked about Mike. I didn’t say much. He said Fr. M is retiring on June 1st. R is coming back to volunteer and Kairos was successful.
I shared my Spanish poem with C/O B. W told me he understands Spanish. He liked my poem. We talked about my chance of getting parole. He said I have no chance under Gray Davis because of the CCPOA. I showed him L’s situation. He doesn’t know everything. He passed out mail late. I got a Valentine’s Day card from M. It’s my only Valentine’s card so far. It made me happy she thought of me. I know I have a special spot in her heart. I wrote her a short letter to thank her. I got a tax paper from Ohio. It’s information dealing with IRS. I got the monthly Coastal Post.
I spent about 3 hours talking to Ma. He felt depressed and needed to talk to me. He hasn’t been able to talk to anyone about his true feelings. He opened up to me. I know he needs professional help. He needs a Chinese psychiatrist who can give him professional advices. I did the best I could to make him feel good about himself. His mental condition derived from abandonment, neglect, rejection, low self-esteem and being abused verbally all the time. He felt unwanted anywhere he goes. People in the prison have been mean to him and picked on him. He couldn’t get over that fear. He also hears voices from the guy he killed. The voice was pleading him to be compassionate to him. The voice also tells him to stand by the door. He always thinks other people are talking to him or about him. He felt someone’s looking at him. He wanted to make sure he’s not burdening me. I told him I’m here to help him. I took notes on his sharing with me. I was able to give him some advices to calm him down. He felt relief that he could talk to me and know what to do from now on. Garbage in, garbage out. I gave him the Buddhist posters. He’ll copy down the chants. I also gave him the Four Noble Truth and the Eight Fold Path. He’ll be all right if he can talk to a professional for a few months to work through his problems. It’s draining emotionally to listen to Ma because his experiences are so sad. It’s a test of patience for me. I felt obligated to help him. Also, I felt helpless. I hate it that CDC and the doctor would brush him off and only offer him heavier dosage of medication. May God look out after Ma. May he get well soon and be successful in turning his life around.
I got legal mail from the Ct of Appeal on the due process, mail and appeal writs. It has a good cause for review. I can’t get excited because so far, I have lost on everyone on the writ. If I get an OSC on it, that’s great. If not, we’ll take it to the next level.